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步伐。

那沉重的步伐,令子俊看似一個一敗塗地而心灰意冷的中年男人。他踏出的每一步都像攀上高山一般,辛苦地拖着自己沉重的身軀往前走,不知何時才能到達那個未知的目的地。
 
他渾身酸痛的模樣和駝背慢行的形態令他看起來老了幾年,我也留意到他茂密的黑髮中長了幾根白髮,給了他一種老氣橫秋的感覺。
 
現在他往另一個方向走,我不自覺地看着他寬厚的背部。子俊肩膀寬闊,長得高大威猛,平日裏喜歡穿著那件貼身白恤衫,隱隱約約地露出他強壯的背肌。這個身材,我相信是很多男性的理想身型,亦是為什麼子俊會吸引到那麼多女性追求的原因。可是,現在的他穿着一件寬大,破舊的黑色T恤, 駝著背走着,肩膀縮到心口垂頭喪氣的樣子,令他看上去像是一個身軀渺小,垂垂老矣的老人。
 
我看着子俊繼續走向那個沒有亮燈的走廊盡頭,漸漸跟我的拉遠距離,只留下了他的黑影。

- 十二月二十七日

Silence

Lying there I was sleeping, tightly shut eyes, soft feathery breathings, little soft sighs were occasionally heard, it’s peaceful and quiet. The silence is the most wonderful creation in the whole human life, it allows us to think and just reflect, it leads to deeper philosophical thoughts and the overpowering inspiration of enlightenment would be heard. Transporting time into a new space of life, where the life we known would become only a glimpse of memory in our head. We can thank silence for it, as it gave us the key to live the imaginary fantasies of our own, it gave us courage to do what we please and fear, and it gave us strength to make through times that we have fallen. All we can do in these endless wandering of life is to remember to stop, just for a slight moment of silence.

- Twenty-seventh day of December Twenty-twenty

急症室的等候燈。

那是段無奈的等待。我時不時抬起頭來,看著手術進行中的燈牌依舊亮著,心沉了下來。過了五分鐘,亦或是五個小時,我已經感受不到時間的流逝,只能耐心地等待。

我在那個鮮艷的橙黃色硬膠櫈上坐下,看到我身旁的子俊疲倦地站著,我就扯了扯他的衣袖,叫他坐下來休息一下吧。可是他只是搖了搖頭,婉拒了我。他繼續站著,垂著頭,令我無法看清他埋藏的情緒,亦無法了解到他內心在想什麼。

我不能清楚地知道時間的逝去,只能透過急症室窗外轉變的天色來界定時間的流逝,當漆黑的天空漸漸泛起魚肚白,就知道已經是另一天的開始。但我只能感受到時間的終結,並沒有新一天,也沒有新的希望。

- 十二月二十三日

A writer’s block

No sadness to fill the page.
What am I if I can’t scream?
No cynicism to throw against the crowds.
What am I if I can’t write?
 
What do I write for, shame or ego?
Pick my poison so I may lament what I had.
The wisdom of infants,
Live in fear of the loss of living.
 
To continue is to start in a maze wondering,
Where is my safe haven? Certainly not here.
Through each creation I fostered,
I changed, just a little.
 
A single strand of hair grew out.
What did I have for dinner,
Or what is my routine for tomorrow?
I live in these remarkable moments.
 
Today is the longest day of my memories.
Away from the “what was” and “what would be,”
I laughed hard and went mad.
In my madness, I wrote a poem.
- Twenty-third day of December Twenty-twenty

 

平日歡笑的男孩

坐在平日覺得十分舒適的床上,淚水終於可以在臉上留下一條一條的痕跡。心痛著,感覺像數條銳利的針同時刺入心中,而心臟的表面上已流下著一攤攤的血跡。我終於可以脫下臉上的面具,終於可以獨自一人在冰冷空虛的房間中變成真正的自己。

剛才,坐在急症室內的座位中,看到前方的母親站着的,走左走右,不能停下來的樣子,我根本不能露出真誠的面孔。我走到母親面前,給她一個擁抱,幫她停下來一會兒。感到我穿上的恤衫漸漸濕透,我只好為她堅強下去,在她耳邊說了一句,一切都會沒事啊。在急症室內等待時,我繼續扮演着會開玩笑的傻孩子,說笑的,面上帶着笑容,努力安撫母親的悲傷感,同時也在安撫自己,不停地跟自己説沒事,一切都沒事。

 踏入家中後,再走入似曾相識的房間中,我明白我不能再說謊了,我累了,就此坐在床上寂寞地哭泣着。

- 十一月三日

Just a simple thought 

The mountains of land yearning to be praised. The exuberance of nature flaunting into the haze of gloomy mist. The air was clear, yet intoxicating. Poisoning my mind with feeble temptations and dark deeds. As time is slipping away like sand, fleeing through the cracks of my fingers. Just a simple thought, escalates to the world of solitude, too late to stop, too late to think clearly. The moment has arrived and the damage is done. The spark in my eyes and the gleaming youth I owned have aged and subsided. The beauty of the ocean has swept me off my feet and swallowed me down to the deep unknown. Drowning with dazzling jewels around my neck , falling into the trap of insanity. Every breath I take, my addiction worsens, the toxins gradually consume the body and the soul, sooner or later, I would be left with nothing but just solely the shell of my cadaver. Lying there alone and being smothered by the coldness of the wind. There, I heard a fairy from the sky, floating inside a murky bubble stained with glitter and colours of the rainbow. She woke the people from the land of forgone. With the soothing melody she hums to our ears, the spark inside us reignited and transfigured into a heavenly fire of life. The dark thoughts vanish as the angelic incarnate puts us all under a spell of endearment. The simple thought is washed away by the waves of the calming sea. Birds are chirping, flowers are blooming and everything seems so enthralling and lovely as we simply become happy again.

Third day of November Twenty-twenty